Saturday, December 17, 2005

Happy Holidays

Don't know how often I will be able to post over the holidays, so


Friday, December 16, 2005


Just wanted to thank the people behind Best Gay Blogs.

They told me today that I had been nominated for Best New Gay Blog.

You can vote at Best Gay Blogs.

Thanks again

Let it Snow

One thing that I have always felt was that perspective was a vital part of how we interpret things. When looking at this picture what do you see? Its not so clear.

But scroll down to the end and you’ll see what happened this morning in Montreal with 30cm (that 12 inches for you Americans) of fresh arrival today. But with this simple flip, there is a vast change in perception.

Went to the company Annual/Christmas/Hanukah party last night. Open bar, good food and great people. All in all it was a blast. It was incredibly interesting to see what some of these other lawyers are like outside of the office. I am not the most social of persons with my colleagues so this was a new experience but a good one.

But of course, there was an element of perspective in this event. It is all of the lawyers and all of the support staff. What was interesting was that the lawyers all arrived in their suits right after work, but for the support staff all was different. They were all dressed to the nines and the women all had their hair done. It was interesting because for me, this event was not out of the ordinary, but for many of them this was their social night of the year.

As well, a big party of straight people is definitely a change from a big gay evening. Dancing to trashy eighties music (both French and English) by a hilariously self-deluded coverband was a highlight. The classic woman in her forties with her heels dangling from her fingers dancing in a circle with her friends around a purse in the middle was a picture perfect moment of this “other” culture.

Well, luckily today is the last day at the office until the 5th of January. I need this break and can’t hardly wait.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Fallen Friend

I don’t know what brought it on, but a very old friend of mine came into my head this morning. Johnny was my best friend during grade seven and eight when I was twelve and thirteen. My parents, quite rightly in hindsight, thought that he was a bad influence. I would sneak out at night with him riding our bikes around the streets and just generally get into no good.

The first time I got drunk was at his house during one of his older sister’s parties when I was thirteen. It was also the first time I had sex.

And this lead to the pattern of getting drunk and looking for a fuck that pervaded my life for many years to come.

But with Johnny, it was always a strange event in my life. I managed to get so drunk that at one point all memory fails and the next thing I can recall is him sucking me off. Now, we were more like kids just messing around than anything else, but things did change for us after that.

In grade eight, Johnny failed the year and was held back. And from that moment, we began the path towards becoming strangers to each other. Different grades, different friends, and different lives.

I would see Johnny around of course, but we didn’t hang out much. He had a girlfriend in high school and we were always cordial, but never anything outside of a good “hello”.

And then he shot himself.

I was sixteen when it happened. I found out at school that he had taken a handgun, put it to his temple and blasted his brains out. I was devastated, placing some of the blame on myself for leaving him behind. But as time progressed, what I came to wonder was whether there was the gay factor in any of this. The only thing that I can be sure of was that he was extremely unhappy. No one commits suicide without some profound feelings of desperation. But I will never know.

But I have often wondered what exactly was in his head at the time.

I went through some terrible times in my teens grappling with my sexuality. It was not easy and there was the requisite self loathing. But I never felt that the only solution was death. I wanted people to know that I was unhappy, but I manifested that through much more passive aggressive means than anything else. But if Johnny killed himself because of being gay, that is the worst possible outcome.

Much has changed for us since the late eighties, but these feelings are still around us in gay youth. I often forget what a small world it is to live in when you are younger. There is no escaping to a better city, there is no finding like friends at gay venues, there is still a hell of a lot of segregation, whether in a big city or a small country town.

Of course, the internet helps. This is an incredible medium for finding other people whose stories are similar enough to provide that glimpse of possibility in a better future for yourself. This medium can give hope.

But it came too late for Johnny.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Norm by Norm

Right now in Canada we are in the middle of a federal election campaign. While ignoring the complete inherent silliness of having a campaign over the course of the holidays which makes this eight week long experience a drawn out pain in the ass, the conservative/reform party of Canada has drudged up the issue of same-sex marriage.

A number of years ago, the courts in Canada told the government that they had to allow same-sex marriage as the barriers to this were against our Charter of Rights. The bill passed with a hell of a lot of belly-aching from many corners, but did happen.

Well, the leader of the conservative/reform party, the right-wing party of Canada, has raised the issue during this campaign. What is particularly interesting is that the majority of voters want nothing to do with it. They consider the issue resolved.

And that is just another example of how that which is normal is that which is commonplace. Same-sex marriage has become a normal thing here as it happens. The sky has not fallen, the country has not been smited by the wrath of God and life as most people know it has continued along the same ole paths as before.

It reconfirms my longheld belief that in order to make any true change in society, one has to act in the way that you want the world to be. For example, I don’t hesitate from kissing Bud in public or from holding his hand. When I was younger the thought of doing either would have filled me with dread and actually doing so would have elicited numerous stares or cries of ridicule. But as more and more of us do it, it all becomes commonplace. You don’t even notice it anymore.

It is just like when I first arrived in India, I was shocked by the poverty and the starvation of people around me. About three months later, I had met a newly arrived Brit who grabbed me once saying, as he pointed to an emaciated child, “My God, did you see that little boy – how the hell can he even stand.” The strange, and most disturbing, thing was that I hadn’t even noticed him.

If utter devastation wrecked on the body of a tiny child can become so “normal” that people don’t even notice the anguish when walking by, a kiss between gay men can’t be far behind.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Gays in the Military

This is one of the funniest things I have seen in a long while.

Dancing Roommate



For a long time now I have been a big fan of Things I can’t tell Boyfriend 1 for his dry wit and great storytelling abilities. Recently he made a post about the endless battle between monogamy and the desire to do everything possible.

I have battled this demon and wanted to put my two cents in. A number of years ago I fell head over heels in love with this guy who was ten years older than me. I was enraptured by him in what was my first true love. He however, had been in many relationships and was quite clear about not wanting to be exclusive.

And I accepted that. I didn’t want to share, but I didn’t want to lose him over it, so I took it. As the relationship progressed, I didn’t have as much a problem with it. I was able to enjoy a single’s sex life while having the security of the boyfriend. It was blissful.

I met Bud, the hubbie, while in this relationship, and it was the permissiveness that enabled it. I had the opportunity because of the open relationship to explore something that became very emotional. Why the rules were to only have the physical, the emotional was a risk involved.

And with Bud, I didn’t want to go down that road again. And so we have been monogamous. Or I should say that I have been. If anything that “Things I can’t tell Boyfriend 1” has reminded me, there is no way to know what your partner is up to. But it has been through this decision to be exclusive that I have discovered that there are lots of joys involved in being exclusive. I miss the hunt, but I have discovered that this is not the most important element.

Just my thoughts.

As a substitute, I have pics instead of bodies. :)

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Tall Order

It was a very hectic day yesterday, but I can’t say that anything too exciting happened. Bud wants to go out tonight though. At Stock bar there is a “Stock Idol” competition for the male stripper of the year.

Now, I have no problem with the strippers here as they take it all off. And I must admit that the strippers should be more my thing that Bud’s. I am obsessed by a great body and they have them in spades. Bud is really only interested in the package – or if they are tall.

It seems that the hiring at Stock is done by my criteria more than Bud’s. It can kind of ruin a beautiful body when it is finally exposed and they are more laughs than gasps. But it is kind of gratifying that even the “perfect” body has some shortcomings.

The other problem is that this city is full of short people. Where I come from out west, I am tall, but there are plenty of people my height or taller. At 6’2”, here in Montreal, I am a giant. There have been so many times that I have been out and seen the top of everyone’s head. As one friend put it, “Its like dancing with Lilliputians!!!” I don’t know what exactly is in the water here, but the average height is probably around 5’5 (if that).

(Speaking of water, here are a couple of pics of one of the sexist swimmers around – Brett Hawke from Australia.)

While my being tall is a big plus to Bud, it can be very frustrating here. People are constantly finding me intimidating due to my height – and I am not an intimidating guy in personality. And while I am an attention whore, standing out in a crowd from the neck up is not my favourite way to go through life.

But then again, its better than being short. I have seen far too many leather daddies of 5 foot nothing look like little masochistic elves to ever wish that upon myself.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Yes, I am Aware

Before I hear it from any of you, yes I am completely aware of the inherent duplicity of attacking body image issues on a site where I constantly post pics of flawless bodies.

Well, I never claimed not to be a hypocrite - and a horny one at that....

Bigger Bigger Bigger

So a number of years ago I was living in India for an extended period of time. Needless to say, it was undoubtedly one of the more interesting experiences of my life. India is a land of extremes, especially emotional ones. Everything was either incredibly amazing or utterly devastating.

What was of particular interest was the fact that all men walk around holding hands together. This is just a cultural thing where straight guys walk down the street hand in hand, but to a gay guy this was a near utopia. Of course, this appearance belied the truth that homosexuality could still get you life imprisonment and further emphasized that perception is tainted by personality and is not reality.

What brought this to mind the other day was when I rewatched a movie that I had seen a number of years ago. What I particularly remembered was that a certain guy in the pic had a great body. What amazed me this time, was that I was no longer impressed. At the time of my first watching it, I was a lot skinnier and my adulation was perhaps based on coveting his body and wanting it for myself. Now that I am more muscular, I don’t have the same perception.

Well this perception is even more enhanced when I was out Christmas shopping for toys.
Now this is the Luke Skywalker that I remember.

And this is how he is now.

Jesus! He looks more like He-man than a jedi now – is this Luke on the Juice.

No wonder my body image is getting fucked up and I can’t imagine what it is like for kids now.

Monday, December 05, 2005

So Sad - So True


The past weekend really brought in the winter cold – it was around -20 C with the wind-chill on Saturday – nearly froze my balls off walking the dog.

Not too eventful of a weekend, but I am really anticipating my trip back to my home town for the Christmas holidays – am in desperate need of a break.

I ran into an old club friend of mine on the weekend. You know the type. Someone that you only really see when you are out, always say hello and a little chit chat, but never get together outside of a fucked up night at a bar. He was surprised that I was actually in Montreal. I have been back here for over a year, but have kept a pretty low profile.

Its strange this transition that I seem to be undergoing. I was one of those guys who would be out every weekend until early the next morning – crazy all the time. But for the past year, I haven’t felt much like it anymore. I get up at the hour that I used to get home, and the thought of an all nighter just hasn’t appealed much to me.

And Montreal does have many opportunities to have a wild time. Except that here there is a tendancy in any club that is open past three, the music is a bit techno for my taste. I find myseld yearning for at least one lyric after three hours of the same bass beat booming over and over again. I guess I like my handbag music to dance to (as in music where girls put their purses in the center of a circle and dance around them).

And also I just haven’t been all that into the scene lately. I have no doubt that a large part of it stems from the fact that I am not going out to pick up. Another element is the language thing here. I am pretty good in French but I am still pretty shy about it and have a terrible time with jokes.

Will this just be a phase where I go crazy again in a little while or has this been a complete turning point in my life. Don’t know but I guess I will find out soon enough.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Crazy Day

Well, I have been going non-stop all day today. Started off with a great workout this morning at 6 (scary, but I am too exhausted after work) with a leg mad session. Legs really started to pop again, so I am happy once more.

But then I got to work, and there hasn’t been a single moment to rest. One thing after another and everything needed by someone else five minutes ago. That’s the shitty thing about being a young lawyer; you do get stuck with all the shit work and if someone is going to be crashed, it will be me.

So excited about the weekend – friend’s birthday and fun fun fun – I hope at least.

Since I have nothing exciting to say today, I’ll leave you with some pics to crank up your weekend.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

World Aids Day

You know, I was all set to write a blog today bitching about the husband, when I remembered that it was World Aids Day. I realized other people have far greater bitches to make.

Support World AIDS Day

Now, I know that I keep this fairly light most of the time, but today cannot be one of those days.

I pray for an end to the slaughter wrought by this invador.
Hit Counter
Online Degrees