Bastard
My Mom called me last night.
Now this is not at the present time unusual. Or I should say this is not unusual ever - she has always called. The only thing that ever has been different has been the content of those conversations. But this one was even different.
"I just wanted to say thank you," she said. "I got a pamphlet in the mail about spousal abuse and it made me think of you. And I just wanted to thank you for getting me to leave Harry."
Many years ago my mother and I were very close. Then in 1996 I told her that I was gay and everything changed. She was never mean to me, never stopped speaking to me or anything like that. But it all changed.
She felt like she didn't recognize me.
And so it continued for many many years.
And then one day two years ago my mom called me just to say hello. It soon turned to where she began to tell me about her life with her boyfriend Harry.
Since we hadn't really talked about anything substantial for so long this was odd.
And terrifying.
My mom told me a horrifying tale of a man that had been mentally abusing her for years. And she didn't even realize just how truly horrid this man was.
My brother and sister had told me that they didn't like him but in my relationship with my mother at the time I, to my shame, didn't really listen. I don't want to go into the details but the level of manipulation and degradation traumatized me.
My mom was always searching for love and held a romantic view of the world.
And she always wants to believe the best in people. But this has got her stuck in a situation where she felt that it was her last chance at love and in some way she felt that what Harry was putting her through wasn’t as bad as it seemed
"You have to leave," I told her.
"I know... I know" she said.
Harry was out of town for a few days. So I said, "No I mean now. Is Gary (my brother) in town?"
"Yes."
"I'm calling him. You can stay with him."
"..OK..."
"Do you know someone with a truck?"
She did.
"Look if you are telling me about all this you must want me to do something about this. Its time to leave. Pack whatever you need to tonight, I'll call Gary and you leave now. Not later. Now. And you get your stuff later. But its time to leave."
And she left and never looked back.
Of course, comically, when I called my sister to tell her what was going on she said, "I tell her to leave him every day and, of course, you tell her once and she leaves.". Colleen was crying with joy.
And yes, it was hard for my mother at the beginning but she is truly happy now. And so we are back to last night.
"I just needed to thank you for getting me to leave."
"It wasn't me," I told her, "yes I may have instigated it, but YOU made the decision. YOU decided to leave. You have to give yourself some credit for what you did. My words didn't get you out. You did it."
And the truly beautiful thing is that out of all that pain my Mom and I are close once again. And she is with a man that treats her the way a woman, a human, should be treated.
But the hard part was last night when my Mom said "..in the 6 and a half years that Harry and I were together...".
6 and a half years!?!
Was it really that long that my Mom was in pain and I refused to acknowledge it because she didn't enthusiastically embrace my homosexuality? Was I really that blind?
Or that selfish?
And now everything is different. Not only is she happy but we are happy. She sends Bud birthday cards and wishes us a happy anniversary. I have my Mom back, but the price she paid is far too high.
Now this is not at the present time unusual. Or I should say this is not unusual ever - she has always called. The only thing that ever has been different has been the content of those conversations. But this one was even different.
"I just wanted to say thank you," she said. "I got a pamphlet in the mail about spousal abuse and it made me think of you. And I just wanted to thank you for getting me to leave Harry."
Many years ago my mother and I were very close. Then in 1996 I told her that I was gay and everything changed. She was never mean to me, never stopped speaking to me or anything like that. But it all changed.
She felt like she didn't recognize me.
And so it continued for many many years.
And then one day two years ago my mom called me just to say hello. It soon turned to where she began to tell me about her life with her boyfriend Harry.
Since we hadn't really talked about anything substantial for so long this was odd.
And terrifying.
My mom told me a horrifying tale of a man that had been mentally abusing her for years. And she didn't even realize just how truly horrid this man was.
My brother and sister had told me that they didn't like him but in my relationship with my mother at the time I, to my shame, didn't really listen. I don't want to go into the details but the level of manipulation and degradation traumatized me.
My mom was always searching for love and held a romantic view of the world.
And she always wants to believe the best in people. But this has got her stuck in a situation where she felt that it was her last chance at love and in some way she felt that what Harry was putting her through wasn’t as bad as it seemed
"You have to leave," I told her.
"I know... I know" she said.
Harry was out of town for a few days. So I said, "No I mean now. Is Gary (my brother) in town?"
"Yes."
"I'm calling him. You can stay with him."
"..OK..."
"Do you know someone with a truck?"
She did.
"Look if you are telling me about all this you must want me to do something about this. Its time to leave. Pack whatever you need to tonight, I'll call Gary and you leave now. Not later. Now. And you get your stuff later. But its time to leave."
And she left and never looked back.
Of course, comically, when I called my sister to tell her what was going on she said, "I tell her to leave him every day and, of course, you tell her once and she leaves.". Colleen was crying with joy.
And yes, it was hard for my mother at the beginning but she is truly happy now. And so we are back to last night.
"I just needed to thank you for getting me to leave."
"It wasn't me," I told her, "yes I may have instigated it, but YOU made the decision. YOU decided to leave. You have to give yourself some credit for what you did. My words didn't get you out. You did it."
And the truly beautiful thing is that out of all that pain my Mom and I are close once again. And she is with a man that treats her the way a woman, a human, should be treated.
But the hard part was last night when my Mom said "..in the 6 and a half years that Harry and I were together...".
6 and a half years!?!
Was it really that long that my Mom was in pain and I refused to acknowledge it because she didn't enthusiastically embrace my homosexuality? Was I really that blind?
Or that selfish?
And now everything is different. Not only is she happy but we are happy. She sends Bud birthday cards and wishes us a happy anniversary. I have my Mom back, but the price she paid is far too high.
posted by Rye at 8:41 a.m.
5 Comments:
Actually I think the 6.5 years is more about the person in the situation than anything else. It's not about you being blind or selfish. My sister was in a similar boat, and everyone was telling her to leave for a long time, and I believe it was actually 7 years before we really got her to do it for good.
You could have said it sooner, sure, but everyone else was, and she didn't hear it from them. It's like any addiction - smoking, drinking, gambling etc - when the person is ready, they'll give it up. You just said the right thing at the right time.. ;)
I know how good it feels when you finally know that it is over for good, that your abused family member is truly moving on, and you'll never have to go back to watching the person you love be abused. It even seems like it is in slow motion most of the time.
I was lucky - my ex-husband hit me once, and I walked out there and then, without stopping for shoes even. That's because my Mother always said to me - if he hits you, get out of there. But emotional abuse is not the same thing. It's nastier and much harder to see happening really.
Don't blame yourself. Your mom left when she was ready and it had nothing to do with you. You just gave her the final impetus to go when the time was right. Please let that little bit of guilt slip from your mind. It does you no good at all.
Sucks
Good for you both that both of you are "HAPPY" now. Communication is the key to everything. This is the first time I read your blog... enjoy reading it and will try to do so more often....keep writing!
Thanks for sharing your life storey.
Regards,
Johnny368
The past is the past.
Lovely post. Glad that you and yhour mum have finally found each other again.
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