Sunday, October 29, 2006

Frayed

The first memory that I have is from when I was about three or four years old. While I do not have many memories of much before I was twelve, for as long as I can remember, this has been my earliest memory.

It is only a snapshot really. I do not remember the context or anything that occurred before or after. My older brother and I are in our first home and are going down the stair to the basement. I don’t recall the house at all, but I remember the stairs. They were the type of stairs that do not have a back to them. All I remember was the fear that someone (or something) was going to grab my ankles though the empty space behind the stairs.

What bothers me about this memory is that it really is a memory of an emotion: fear. And I wonder just how much of my life has been coloured by that first memory and its content of fear.

For I see that much of my life is about fear.

Fear of failure.

Fear that people will see through me.

Fear that the decisions I have made will come back to haunt me.

Fear that those I have chosen to trust will betray me.

Fear that I will come to regret my life.

Fear that the mask that I put on to protect myself has become so attached that I could not take it off if I wanted to or so attached that I can’t even tell what is underneath it anymore.

Fear that I would disappoint the childhood version of myself.

Fear that if people knew the real me, that I would be rejected.

Fear that truly opening up myself to anyone will only lead to pain.

Fear that other people’s perceptions of me are more accurate that my perception of myself.

Fear that I will not be liked.

Fear that I will not be loved.

And I truly fear that I will never get over these fears.

Its all well and good to say that I need to get over them and learn to accept myself for who I am, but I still, at my age, find this very hard. I am constantly worried about what others think. And it can become an obsession. There are times that I have pulled back from something or someone out of the worry of how others would perceive it. And I have flaunted other things in the desire for people to perceive me in a certain way by associated.

Now you would think that coming out of the closet would have lessened this trepidation of perception a bit. I came out and most of my fears of that process proved unfounded. And yet, that is not the lesson that I have taken. I seem to act as if that would be the exception rather than the norm.

I guess it comes down to this – why am I afraid of myself.

6 Comments:

Blogger nash said...

It's really quite "normal" to be fearful (though far from ideal). The thing to remember is that most people live their lives without being truly aware of how their fear(s) impact on their life. Look at you, you've just made a long list of yours. Now go out n challenge them/put them to the test - or are you too afraid?

You'll figure it out...

5:27 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have dealt with similar issues, although I am not gay. I was a successful professional business woman (now I am disabled from an unrelated health issue), but still afraid of the world. The problem was rooted in my dysfunctional family upbringing and took years of therapy to address. Now I feel "normal", whatever that is, and definitely less afraid. I don't know if this applies to you, but it is all I have to offer. Good luck.

6:32 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this insecurity/fear with us. I really identified with your fear of the social mask. I also have that nebulous fear... that over the years my coping face fused with the authentic inner idealized self...and what is left is a conflicted soul.

Sadly, most days of the year, I have learned to ignore that conflict, because it is too unsettling. And I think that only love (either self or your partner) can help create the safe environment to shed the mask and let the true self shine.
Thank you again for this post...it is what I needed to hear right now in my life!

7:20 p.m.  
Blogger Ed said...

i was wandering blogs, something new for me, I stumbled upon your this and your post has been a challenge that has set a benchmark for me to look at my own fears, thank you. Truly remarkable insight.

10:37 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You just described me!
I feel you!

7:37 p.m.  
Blogger Alfred said...

Fear, I think, can be ultimately traced back to survival. I think I can say for everyone, whether consciously or not, we all act or lack of thereof, just for survival. That's the reason for life. Fear is there so that we think before we do, fear is ability to foresee what may dampen our survivorship...

6:36 p.m.  

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