The Test
Well, I guess its about time that I put everything that has happened down on this page. I was expecting to be able to write this great post after my vacation about all the good times from the Outgames in Montreal, but alas, that is not to be.
The catalyst for our current problems occurred the day after our guests for the Outgames left. Bud came up to me and said some guy that he had met online had invited him to go on a gay cruise around the Mediterranean – not us, him (I doubt if he even knows I exist). Bud is adamant that this is not sexual in nature but that they are just friends. Regardless of whether this is true or not, I just don’t feel comfortable with him going off somewhere on a trip where some guy I have never met is paying for it all.
I have also repeatedly asked Bud to stop using these websites but he has consistently refused (more on that later). Of course I said hell no! When you are with someone else exclusively, let alone married, you don’t go off on a vacation with some other random guy. We were planning on a European trip in September, and Bud felt that he would just meet up with me after the cruise. He also had the gall to state that anyone else but me would be happy to have their boyfriend go off and have a nice free trip if it was offered (I kid you not).
Then he comes to me about 30 minutes later and says that some guy that he went to the beach with about a year ago invited him to Florida. Once again, I say no way. We are going on a vacation soon and trying to save the money and he wants to spend $1000 to go to Florida with some guy I have never met? He gets into a huff about how everyone else would let him.
I respond that we are going on vacation in less than a month and that he has basically been on a vacation for a year and half. Last September he promised me that he would look for a job. He hasn’t even written up a resume in the past year. Now I let this slide because he was waiting to find out if he would be able to work as a nurse. And every month they told him the decision would be soon. But it has been two months since he got that decision and still he hasn’t applied for even one job.
And so I have been getting very frustrated. I’m feeling walked on and over.
See, I don’t feel that I ask very much of Bud although he feels the same. Over our time together I have asked him to do things that he has not wanted to do on very rare occasions. I caught him arranging a meeting up with someone on a well known gay internet site. I asked him to remove all of his profiles. He said he did – but he did not.
Even the very small things he will not do. When he stopped going to French school, I asked him to make sure that the house was clean then. Since that time, I think he has vacuumed the floors once, the bathroom is ready to crawl out on its own. All because he, as an unemployed person, is “too busy”.
I know that these are in some cases petty, but in others they are much more substantial. Bud always gets into a state because he “doesn’t like it when someone tells him what to do.” And I understand that. But to be frank, the things that I have asked of him are things that I shouldn’t have to ask. If work 60-70 hours a week at work and he doesn’t work at all – why should I be cleaning the bathroom on the weekend. I shouldn’t have to ask him to stop using cruising websites whether or not his conduct is benign. I shouldn’t have to say that he shouldn’t go off on a vacation with what he laughingly is calling a “friend” when it bothers me.
Bud is well aware of how important these things were to me. But he did nothing. Now he either does not care about me or only cares about himself. I tend to lean towards the latter that he is a complete narcissistic hedonist who cares only of his own pleasure.
When he threw his fit over my not wanting him to go to Florida, he screamed “Don’t tell me what to do.” And so I told him that he could do as he wishes, but that if he went he shouldn’t come back.
And so I get an email from him at work and it confirms all my suspicions about him. The email is completely all about himself. Never once is the word “us” or “we” mentioned. It talks about how I am not supportive of him and that he “needs” to go to the beach. And then it ends by his saying that he has booked a ticket and is leaving last Thursday.
So I look online and see that he is spending over $1000 to go for three days. And then I discover that he is not paying with our credit card (and therefore someone else was paying for him). And then I discover that he is not going with who he said he was but someone else entirely.
Now, I blame myself for Bud thinking that I was not serious about his not returning if he went. He refused to do what I asked before without consequences so why should this be any different? And I have sat here thinking over and over again that he was going to grow up. That he was going to at some point realize that we were an equal partnership. I kept thinking that at some moment, he would come to the realization that as an adult something you need to make sacrifices, do things that you do not want to. And that if you really love someone, you have to be willing to make that person happy or make that person feel safe. But this has not come.
And I don’t think that I am being at all unreasonable in not wanting my husband to go on some trip with some guy I have never met.
And I guess that I have been blind to all of this because I do love him. But I can’t treat myself this way. I can’t let myself be treated like this. I deserve someone who will consider my feelings (whether justified or not) and someone who will care for more than his own pleasure.
And so he returned on Sunday and we’ve had the “talk”. He finally admitted that it wasn’t the friend from the beach whose house he went to in Florida but the same guy that asked him on the cruise. He lied because he knew I was upset over his wanting to go on the cruise so he thought I would like it better if it was someone else.
Too many lies.
But then the kicker really comes out. Yesterday as I am fuming he actually has the balls to say that he wants to go back this weekend to go to Disneyland. He knows how upset I am and yet that doesn’t quite enter into his head. And he says that since he decided that he wouldn’t go on the cruise then another weekend in Florida shouldn’t be a problem.
What planet does this guy live on, you ask? Well, he is a child – gimme gimme gimme all the time. He believes that if he does not think that my feelings are valid and reasonable then they don’t matter. It basically comes down to that. If he disagrees with me then it’s a “fuck you, I’m doing what I want.”
I then thought about it for a minute.
And I think this has to do with being married of all things. I know that if we were not married, this would definitely be over. But somehow it is not yet. Now I know that some of you after reading all of the above will be in shock that it hasn’t ended yet, but here’s what occurred.
I realized that my greatest pain comes from the fact that he even asked. It would never have occurred to me go on a trip like that. Its not his going but his thinking that it is at all appropriate.
And I realize now what people mean when they say that they have grown apart. Bud and I begun our lives together when we were both carefree souls just enjoying every day at the beach or relaxing. Well, things have changed for me, but not really for him (except the beach part). I told Bud that I needed him to grow up. He is still in so many ways a kid.
But that is who I married. That is the person that I said I would be with forever. And I can’t claim that I didn’t know what I was getting involved in.
But I can’t stay in a relationship if he doesn’t grow up.
But I also don’t want to be the “wife” who is always trying to change the “husband”. I guess that I have resigned myself to letting him do what he wants since trying to get him to do anything else is completely fruitless.
And the thing is that this has been quite liberating for me in an odd way. But it has a price.
I am giving him his freedom but its all really a test of both myself and him. Will he grow up on his own? More importantly, will I be able to accept this? That is the test for myself. I told him that he can go on that cruise. I honestly am at the point where I do not care if he goes. But I do care about how I will feel if he chooses to go and how I will feel when he is gone. I really have no idea whether I will decide that I don’t want to be in a relationship where someone acts in that way. I just know that I don’t want to end a marriage because he is not obedient.
And so the saga continues. I am trying to salvage my marriage by trying to accept him the way he has remained. I don’t know if it is salvageable but I need to try.
Am I being an idiot, a doormat, a completely blind fool? Probably. But I did make that vow nearly four years ago and that vow has certain powers. But I cannot sacrifice my own happiness or my own self-worth to that vow. I have seen the devastation wrought by such thoughts.
In many ways it will come down to honesty. How honest will Bud be and has been with me and how honest will I be with myself.
The catalyst for our current problems occurred the day after our guests for the Outgames left. Bud came up to me and said some guy that he had met online had invited him to go on a gay cruise around the Mediterranean – not us, him (I doubt if he even knows I exist). Bud is adamant that this is not sexual in nature but that they are just friends. Regardless of whether this is true or not, I just don’t feel comfortable with him going off somewhere on a trip where some guy I have never met is paying for it all.
I have also repeatedly asked Bud to stop using these websites but he has consistently refused (more on that later). Of course I said hell no! When you are with someone else exclusively, let alone married, you don’t go off on a vacation with some other random guy. We were planning on a European trip in September, and Bud felt that he would just meet up with me after the cruise. He also had the gall to state that anyone else but me would be happy to have their boyfriend go off and have a nice free trip if it was offered (I kid you not).
Then he comes to me about 30 minutes later and says that some guy that he went to the beach with about a year ago invited him to Florida. Once again, I say no way. We are going on a vacation soon and trying to save the money and he wants to spend $1000 to go to Florida with some guy I have never met? He gets into a huff about how everyone else would let him.
I respond that we are going on vacation in less than a month and that he has basically been on a vacation for a year and half. Last September he promised me that he would look for a job. He hasn’t even written up a resume in the past year. Now I let this slide because he was waiting to find out if he would be able to work as a nurse. And every month they told him the decision would be soon. But it has been two months since he got that decision and still he hasn’t applied for even one job.
And so I have been getting very frustrated. I’m feeling walked on and over.
See, I don’t feel that I ask very much of Bud although he feels the same. Over our time together I have asked him to do things that he has not wanted to do on very rare occasions. I caught him arranging a meeting up with someone on a well known gay internet site. I asked him to remove all of his profiles. He said he did – but he did not.
Even the very small things he will not do. When he stopped going to French school, I asked him to make sure that the house was clean then. Since that time, I think he has vacuumed the floors once, the bathroom is ready to crawl out on its own. All because he, as an unemployed person, is “too busy”.
I know that these are in some cases petty, but in others they are much more substantial. Bud always gets into a state because he “doesn’t like it when someone tells him what to do.” And I understand that. But to be frank, the things that I have asked of him are things that I shouldn’t have to ask. If work 60-70 hours a week at work and he doesn’t work at all – why should I be cleaning the bathroom on the weekend. I shouldn’t have to ask him to stop using cruising websites whether or not his conduct is benign. I shouldn’t have to say that he shouldn’t go off on a vacation with what he laughingly is calling a “friend” when it bothers me.
Bud is well aware of how important these things were to me. But he did nothing. Now he either does not care about me or only cares about himself. I tend to lean towards the latter that he is a complete narcissistic hedonist who cares only of his own pleasure.
When he threw his fit over my not wanting him to go to Florida, he screamed “Don’t tell me what to do.” And so I told him that he could do as he wishes, but that if he went he shouldn’t come back.
And so I get an email from him at work and it confirms all my suspicions about him. The email is completely all about himself. Never once is the word “us” or “we” mentioned. It talks about how I am not supportive of him and that he “needs” to go to the beach. And then it ends by his saying that he has booked a ticket and is leaving last Thursday.
So I look online and see that he is spending over $1000 to go for three days. And then I discover that he is not paying with our credit card (and therefore someone else was paying for him). And then I discover that he is not going with who he said he was but someone else entirely.
Now, I blame myself for Bud thinking that I was not serious about his not returning if he went. He refused to do what I asked before without consequences so why should this be any different? And I have sat here thinking over and over again that he was going to grow up. That he was going to at some point realize that we were an equal partnership. I kept thinking that at some moment, he would come to the realization that as an adult something you need to make sacrifices, do things that you do not want to. And that if you really love someone, you have to be willing to make that person happy or make that person feel safe. But this has not come.
And I don’t think that I am being at all unreasonable in not wanting my husband to go on some trip with some guy I have never met.
And I guess that I have been blind to all of this because I do love him. But I can’t treat myself this way. I can’t let myself be treated like this. I deserve someone who will consider my feelings (whether justified or not) and someone who will care for more than his own pleasure.
And so he returned on Sunday and we’ve had the “talk”. He finally admitted that it wasn’t the friend from the beach whose house he went to in Florida but the same guy that asked him on the cruise. He lied because he knew I was upset over his wanting to go on the cruise so he thought I would like it better if it was someone else.
Too many lies.
But then the kicker really comes out. Yesterday as I am fuming he actually has the balls to say that he wants to go back this weekend to go to Disneyland. He knows how upset I am and yet that doesn’t quite enter into his head. And he says that since he decided that he wouldn’t go on the cruise then another weekend in Florida shouldn’t be a problem.
What planet does this guy live on, you ask? Well, he is a child – gimme gimme gimme all the time. He believes that if he does not think that my feelings are valid and reasonable then they don’t matter. It basically comes down to that. If he disagrees with me then it’s a “fuck you, I’m doing what I want.”
I then thought about it for a minute.
And I think this has to do with being married of all things. I know that if we were not married, this would definitely be over. But somehow it is not yet. Now I know that some of you after reading all of the above will be in shock that it hasn’t ended yet, but here’s what occurred.
I realized that my greatest pain comes from the fact that he even asked. It would never have occurred to me go on a trip like that. Its not his going but his thinking that it is at all appropriate.
And I realize now what people mean when they say that they have grown apart. Bud and I begun our lives together when we were both carefree souls just enjoying every day at the beach or relaxing. Well, things have changed for me, but not really for him (except the beach part). I told Bud that I needed him to grow up. He is still in so many ways a kid.
But that is who I married. That is the person that I said I would be with forever. And I can’t claim that I didn’t know what I was getting involved in.
But I can’t stay in a relationship if he doesn’t grow up.
But I also don’t want to be the “wife” who is always trying to change the “husband”. I guess that I have resigned myself to letting him do what he wants since trying to get him to do anything else is completely fruitless.
And the thing is that this has been quite liberating for me in an odd way. But it has a price.
I am giving him his freedom but its all really a test of both myself and him. Will he grow up on his own? More importantly, will I be able to accept this? That is the test for myself. I told him that he can go on that cruise. I honestly am at the point where I do not care if he goes. But I do care about how I will feel if he chooses to go and how I will feel when he is gone. I really have no idea whether I will decide that I don’t want to be in a relationship where someone acts in that way. I just know that I don’t want to end a marriage because he is not obedient.
And so the saga continues. I am trying to salvage my marriage by trying to accept him the way he has remained. I don’t know if it is salvageable but I need to try.
Am I being an idiot, a doormat, a completely blind fool? Probably. But I did make that vow nearly four years ago and that vow has certain powers. But I cannot sacrifice my own happiness or my own self-worth to that vow. I have seen the devastation wrought by such thoughts.
In many ways it will come down to honesty. How honest will Bud be and has been with me and how honest will I be with myself.
posted by Rye at 1:00 p.m.
18 Comments:
This is one of the saddest stories that I have ever read. Don't let your self esteem and diginity be defined by someone elses actions. What's next? Why don't you wait until Bud invites this guy into your martial bed, because that seems like the next step. Don't give idle threats, when you know you won't and can't follow through with them. Just be happy that Bud has met someone and is sharing a part of his life with this person that he is not sharing with you, as you look the other way. HONEST has bought a plane ticket, packed a suitcase, bought sun tan lotion and is headed to Florida for the weekend. Is this what you want out of your marriage?
I lived like you for two years with my relationship unraveling until I realized it was my responsiblity to make myself happy and live life dependent on me and not others. After 12 years with the man, I made the toughest decision I ever made. I told him what "I" needed in a relationship/marriage (basic communication, love, respect, partnership and sex) and that if he would not provide it then I would have to end the relationship. During the last two years there were empty threats, unfullfiled promises and many heated arguments.
When I finally reached my breaking point, I ended it. He did not believe me, but through the pain, anguish and hurt, I moved on, healed, and now have a wonderfully fullfiled life.
I hope you find the strength and courage to find your personal happiness. You deserve no less.
Ouch! What a sad story. Odd memories are coming back to me...
I went through a relationship where I did my best to hold things together because I loved him "soooooo" much while my spouse was having fun left and right. If such a thing would happend again, I would make sure of the following:
1 - I would ask a mediator to hear us out and help us reach an acceptable situation;
2 - No hanky-panky in our house;
3 - If he wants to play around like when he was single, this means that we are not a couple living together, we are roomates and the paperwork should reflect it - this means no more joint accounts and responsability of credit cards as well as an accounting of the household expenses;
Good luck with all that and remember to be good to you now and in the long term.
Mate
I didnt find this sad so much as it made me angry, so angry. What is going on for you that you allow this guy to take advantage of who you are. You say Bud does this and Bud does that. Well yes, for he is quite clearly making his own choices. With behaviour that honours neither you nor the relationship. Is that what you want? Is that what you deserve? Now what would it take for you to find the courage and the internal strength to make your own choices based on your sense of self and your knowledge of what's important to you?
You seem like a great guy so take some responsibility for your own life here, stop having your happiness being dependent on this man. Seems you have differing rules around relationships. One is not better than the other, its just the rules and expectations are different. Take Bud out of the equation, and get clear about what you need for your own sense of happiness and contentment. Do it without reference to him. Ask yourself "what do I want for ME?" Dont even think about him until you have worked this out. Then ask "does my relationship with Bud fulfill these hopes dreams and desires I have". No qualifications no justifications no excusing his behaviour nor your own, just a simple facing yourself in the mirror and giving a straight yes/no answer. When you find this answer you have a starting point for going forward. You have the point from which you can make your own choices.
As a wise friend of mine once said to me "get off the drama and adopt the so what, now what approach" So what - this has happened; Now what - what will I do about it.
Go for it. Find your inner courage and live the life of your dreams
The vow is how you felt at that time. It is not "forever" because things change and people change. Spouse and I agreed that it's only death til we part if we BOTH want to be in the relationship.
As for my one long term ex. We got to a point where we were just ships passing in the night. I was depressed and went to therapy. One day the therapist invited my ex to the session. We sat there on the couch as I said, I'd like to work on improving our relationship. And he said, "I don't have the time or energy for that"
The therapist looked at me and said, "Okay, now you have the permission to end it."
And I did.
Best strength moment I ever had.
I empathize so much with you...I have been there, with many of the same internal dialogues you mentioned. From my five year, gut-wrenching, trust-me/won't do it again, growing white lies to "protect me". relationship, I learned that my idealism sometimes enables the dys-functionality in the relationship. From the pain, I learned, for me, that in addition to love, honesty and trust are absolutely required for my relationship needs. I also acknowledge not everyone holds these same ideals.
On the other hand, I TOTALLY respect and understand your extended committment to the marriage vows. It does mean something different than if you were just dating him. It means that in instances such as this, where he is putting your intimate and monogamous relationship at risk--- (yes, he said he would never cheat on you, and that is his intention, but placing himself in situations where he MIGHT make a rash, lustful decision)--that you have to try as hard as you can. If, when you have given it your all to the relationship, and he still insists on not HONORING the original vows you BOTH made...then, sadly, it is only healthy to yourself and to the sanctity of marriage, to end it.
I must say, the fears I have about marriage are manifested in your post....and wonder if no matter how much I love my man, it could happen to me...and if so, is there anyway really to prevent it? Probably not...insidious slow onset.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you and Bud as you work on saving your marriage.
I am so sorry for you. I guess it is true that you cannot change people by marrying them. He will never grow up. He will always be the self-centered what-is-in-it-for-me person. He will never change. That really sucks. He will always lie and be untrustworthy. Eventually he may even leave on his own. Why stay? For a meal ticket?
I'm sorry. I'm thinking of my dad here. He was a cheater that never changed. When mom found out and invited him to counseling he said, "No." She asked him to leave. It turned out that dad was cheating on mom during the whole marriage. I hope that wasn't the case for you.
I say, invite him to counseling and see how it goes. But don't hesitate to chuck him out if you can't count on his fidelity (that would be what I would do) and agree to some common relationship goals.
I've just read your blog for the first time and was saddened and angered by your post. You are trying to find it in your heart to let your partner be, but I have to ask -- what are you getting out of it?
I was in a relationship for 17 years. I took care of my partner in many ways, but in the process, was not taking care of myself. It was agonizing, but I ended it a little over a year ago. It was the most liberating thing I've ever done.
Bud sounds insensitive to your needs and totally self-centered about his own. You need to take care of yourself. I truly understand where you're at though. It's not easy no matter what you do.
hey i can exactly understand what you are going through.......and must say the advice given by the previous comments is really great......
the few things i would like to say are.....
believe in yourself......
do what your heart says......
and never regret what you did in the past.....
take care and in these situations family and friends can be of an immense help......
I spend too much of my life feeling sorry for myself for never having had a long term relationship. When I read your entry a few days ago I felt such a sense of compassion for you....obviously your situation should make me feel better, in some way, about my own, often lonely state. But mostly I am very sad. I am sorry that you are facing this. I have no particular advise to offer. I just want you to know that I can feel your pain. I hope that in sharing your situation you can find some measure of hope.
I wont give you any advice, but I will tell you that I am very sorry.
You're nothing if not starkly honest, Rye. It's what I've always felt gives this blog an edge.
I think you need to take some of that tough love from the first anon poster here. It sounds a lot like an unequal, unfulfilling relationship, and you're far too intelligent and thoughtful to be able to cast that aside for the sake of honouring your vows.
I'd hate to see this eat you up any more. I think it might be time to cut the cord. It will be hard at first but ultimately a lot harder if you don't.
Whatever happens, the best of luck to you. x
I've been going through the same thing for the last year with my "husband." We got married almost 2.5 years ago when all the furor was being raised in Oregon an California about same-sex marriage and enjoyed the legal limbo for quite some time. In the last year I've been facing many of the same issues you described. He hasn't been invited on trips or anything of that magnitude, but I've been kept separate from many social events in the same way you're being held out of the trips to Florida, etc.
When it came time for us to sit down and really have "the talk," I had to take time and explain exactly what I want and need out of a commited relationship in order for me to feel safe and supported. I invited the same input from him. I also reminded him of the vows we BOTH made...
I'm not someone who quickly draws a line in the sand in these situations; I tend to overcompensate and trust too blindly, but once I realized that while I may be doing more than I can to keep my vows, those vows must be respected by both parties in a relationship for it to grow.
I don't feel I'm in a position to give you advice, but your post felt so familiar it gave me chills. Whatever you decide to do, though... just remember it's called a relationship because you both have to RELATE to each other. It's not one-sided and can't exist that way, and sometimes a show of personal strength can be a demand for respect. Don't be afraid to use your own power.
Based on what I've read here, and what I can gleen of yours and Bud's characters and expectations, my advise to you is: it's time to walk away. My heart goes out to you, but (again, based on what you write, and how the relationship started in the first place) I can't see this situation ending in any other way than you getting even more hurt and taken advantage of. Marriage means different things to different people. And clearly, the two of you have completely different definitions. Which means it is no longer a marriage in anything else but name. Don't let it drag out - you're the one who's going to suffer in the long run.
You're in my thoughts.
I hvn't followed your blog for some time. All I could remember was the beginning of your relationship, which was very sweet.
Perhaps sorry is the last thing you wanna hear but I am feeling very sorry for what's happened.
My analogy to this is that no two people are at the same level at the same time EVER. Therefore adjustment/reconciliation must be made willingly from time to time so that they would be on the same page.
I wanted to say that he was still a child at the beginning of ur post but you said that yourself later on. Things that happen on holiday are on the opposite end of the continuum where reality resides. Holidays are "kodak" or red-carpet moments.
Live in the NOW. Sometimes I feel myself passing every second in my life - which would have been different if I had lived each of them.
It seems quite obvious to me that the goal of "us" is half on the cruise and half left at home. Anything is possible you come together and work things out. Sometimes a partner may lose his way and wander around. It's hard to look for him and to bring him back on the "us" path. And if u wonder how you are going to find him instead of knowing you'll, then you are lost too.
But who am I kidding - I am single and sooooo available. Any taker??
Giving you a virtual hug and a pad on the shoulder. Things may go anyway they like and I hope you'll be just alright.
You do have history and so there are clearly things there to work with. I rather wonder if he wants to work on the relationship though?
I really admire your commitment to your vows and the relationship and hope that whatever the outcome you are happy in your life. You seem like someone who deserves happiness........
Sorry for what you're going through, but it will only get worse - end it now.
I just went through a breakup (and am still going through the breakup) of a 14 year relationship. A lot sucks. And when you look back, you realize that you put up with far more things than you ought to, and for far too long.
Like everyone else, I was angered and saddened by the post. I am not going to suggest you stay or go...only you can decide that.
But what I will suggest you do is to evaluate what you want and need out of life, and out of the relationship. And if you are not getting what you want, you need to have a good long serious talk with your husband. Likewise, he should do the same, if he is grown up enough to do so (thats not clear from your posts).
You will have very difficult times ahead of you, regardless of how things go. A good couples therapist can do wonders. I highly recommend you guys go see one if you both want to work on improving the relationship.
best of luck!
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