Categorically Cruel

One great thing about being a gay person is the freedom to dress however you like. Of course some of us, myself included, get stuck in certain gay clothing traps, like leather pants in 40 degree Celsius weather or a sleeveless T in a blizzard, but there is still an abundant level of freedom for our taking if we want it.

This all came up as I saw this twinkie-something (my new word for the under 25 living among us) was walking down the street in pink flipflops, Jackie O sunglasses, charcoal capri pants and a very see-through white shirt opened nearly to his navel. I had a small chuckle to myself over just how very gay he looked, but then muffled that giggle when I remembered some of the things that I wore at that age (don’t even ask!).

But it got me to thinking that gay people truly are free to dress as “faggy” as we want. Well, at least in the “Big City”. And it becomes a reality that for gay people our dress is a reflection of ourselves. While the breeders out there may have the “jock” or “preppie” or those generalities, we’ve got so many others. It got me to thinking about all the types of gay people I see out there.

1. Gym Bunny – no matter what the season or the occasion, shirt exposes beautifully formed (and intermittently vein-y) arms, too-short-short-short flashing quads or snug jeans and a warning sign saying “If you brush against me shirtless, Beware of Stubble”.

2. Yupster – defined by the Urban Dictionary as someone who wears $300 jeans with a $10 T-shirt – defined by me as someone who spends an inordinate amount of time (and money) making sure that the name on their clothes is acceptable (to whom, I am never quite sure) and that they look as if no effort has been spent whatsoever in putting themselves together.

3. The Bedraggled – noticeable through the ample mop of hair on the head that while undeniably long is never (never, I say!) touching the shoulders – the higher up, the closer to God, jeans of a rather loose variety barely supported on hips and permanently wedged under all footwear.

4. Middle-Aged-Newly-Single-on-the-Prowl – characterized by a general air of cruising everything that walks, this gay guy who has been out of “commission” for a number of years suddenly finds himself back at the gym five days a week working off the spoils of a long-term relationship evidenced somewhere north of the border – typically has a decent body but is wearing the clothing that found him success far too many years and far too fewer pounds/wrinkles/grey hairs ago to really pull off any longer.

5. Juice Monkey – overly tanned and constantly wondering where his neck has disappeared to, the Juice Monkey has perfected the art of appearing as if no one else in the world exists outside of himself and other people who are basically mirror reflections of himself – when a vacant look is truly a glimpse into personality – See Stubble warning in Gym Bunny Above.

6. Former Juice Monkey – man once found under the category 5 whose former pecs of steel now require a man-bra, whose face resembles a leather muppet and whose previously vacant eyes now reflect a tinge of terror that all glory days have passed.

7. Non-Gay Gay – dresses as straight as humanly possible and is rarely seen in the confines of the gay world – partly political (“Ghettos Marginalize Us All!”) and partly out of a fear of letting loose.

8. Door-Just-Opened – the new, fresh from the closet gay man who in the thrill of liberation from the confines of that tiny space is found thrusting himself into every extreme of gay bahaviour and is noticeable through his tight fitting jeans that barely (or do not at all) cover a well trimmed bush, a brightly coloured collared shirt that either does not meet the waist or is opened to the navel, fashionable sunglasses, some type of hat (preferably worn to the side), and his last girlfriend, conveniently converted into best fag-hag until she realizes that she will not get him back not that she will ever find someone else with him occupying all social time, located on one arm and a man-bad (or murse to some of you) on the other.

9. Embrace-It – the bid burly man who has decided to embrace the fact that he will not be a Gym Bunny or any of the others above and thrives in his beer belly, baseball hat, black T-shirt and slightly dirty jeans. Hair can be found everywhere and is frequently the nicest of people since he isn’t trying to impress anyone by false means.

10. Muscle Mary – a gay classic: Either of the Gym Bunny or Juice Monkey varieties whose voice and / or mannerisms just don’t go together with the body image.

11. Leatherman – permanently porting the skin of some dead animal no matter what the weather, a bottle of poppers in once pocket, a pack of smokes in the other, and a well rounded knowledge of sex toys preferably black in colour. Frequents the same small number of bars and has been known to occasionally mix with Embrace-Its. Gym Bunnies and Muscle Marys who dress up as Leatherman for circuit parties are not to be confused with true Leathermen.

12. Circuit Boys – rarely seen wearing a shirt and only seen during the daylight hours rushing from one venue to another or attempting to find their way home from a venue (either theirs or someone elses), the Circuit Boy does not have a long shelf life and will generally convert into one of the above after a number of years. The Circuit Boy can be characterized with large pupils, a layer of dance sweat, and a large number of friends whose names he can’t quite recall at this moment.

13. Top-of-the-Pops – gay men typically in their forties or beyond who have all the right cards in their wallets and a stack of bills, the Top-of-the-Pops are at the height of their professions and can be found frequenting gay bars between the hours of 5 and 8:30 and then at some upscale restaurant after that until around midnight. Their clothes are always top of the line and tend to hide any body flaw that might be under there and are obsessed by great shoes. Tend to attract certain number of any of the above especially when there is a country place or free drinks involved.

Well, I am sure there are others, but those are my categories of the day (gotta love stereotyping people as a pastime!). And which am I you may ask? Well, I’ve been a few of these at some point, but like usual I have no perspective on myself at this point in time.

I guess you could put me in the category of Approaching-Mid-Thirties-Bitchy-and-Full-of-Himself... :)