Absence
Been having one of those very painful weeks. Bud has been gone since Friday and won’t be back home until Saturday morning. Crazy how a little absence can help you realize just how much you love, need, depend on, and value a person. All of my time at home right now just feels empty without him there.
And this is, to be honest, a different emotion than I have normally had with other men in my life. Typically, I have usually been happy to have a bit of distance every now and then with the person in my life. The freedom to be a slob again around the house, to watch what I want on TV, eat what and when I feel like it. All that crap. But with Bud, it is different and I truly miss him when he is not around.
Now you may be thinking, “Ah, he’s just saying this, since Bud will read this!”, but I have a confession to make. I was reading one of my favourite blogs the other day and he talked about how he and his bf got into a fight over what he had posted. Well, I am a little bit more shady in this respect. I have never told Bud about this blog.
Now, some of you may be appalled by my (in)actions here, but this blog wouldn’t be the same if I knew that he was reading it all the time. As I have said before, this blog was started as a way for me to organize my thoughts about different things and as a way for me to put into some concrete form the way I am feeling about things in my life and life in general. My decision to keep this an anonymous blog was because, knowing myself as I do, I thought I would probably engage in a lot of self-censorship. Its just the way I am – a little too focused sometimes (i.e. constantly) on what other people are thinking about me (See I am so self-centered that even when I am thinking about what other people’s thought are, they still involve me).
And part of this honesty is knowing that I am not going to have to explain myself to my love later at home. This is in many ways a diary and I want the freedom of that medium.
Would he be hurt if he found out? Maybe. Not by the content, but perhaps by its existence. But I guess my main fear of telling him now has to do with the fact that this has become a very important outlet for me. It has become a way that I can force myself to think about my own actions and have some wise commenters point out for me the basis behind some of those same actions. I don’t want to lose this blog because he is uncomfortable with it. I have seen a few of my favourite bloggers disappear due to conflicts between writing and the people in their lives (you know who you are), and I don’t want to have to deal with that.
And this is due to a realization about my relationship with Bud. We deal with “us” in different ways. Whereas I am constantly compromising things for his peace of mind or just for what he wants, any hesitancy or refusal to cave into those demands are often met by pouting or anger. (He is a bit like Monica from Friends when she said “Compromise is doing things my way”). And I don’t want to get into a fight over this.
But of course, this highlights a problem obviously that we have as a couple. And, what couple doesn’t have problems? Its not a major one, but it has been one that has arisen on a number of occasions. Its funny in many ways because when we first started dating, it was the opposite. Bud bent over backwards for me and would do anything for me – but now that has gone full circle to where even the slightest request for deviation from what he considers to be the proper path is met with resistance.
And I can say that this is not a major problem, because it hasn’t become one yet. But in all honesty, it could. We have discussed it a number of times, but, not surprisingly, nothing has changed. I guess its one of those situations where a number of small instances together or one large occurrence will bring on a cataclysmic result. And I don’t want this blog to be a part of that drama.
And this is, to be honest, a different emotion than I have normally had with other men in my life. Typically, I have usually been happy to have a bit of distance every now and then with the person in my life. The freedom to be a slob again around the house, to watch what I want on TV, eat what and when I feel like it. All that crap. But with Bud, it is different and I truly miss him when he is not around.
Now you may be thinking, “Ah, he’s just saying this, since Bud will read this!”, but I have a confession to make. I was reading one of my favourite blogs the other day and he talked about how he and his bf got into a fight over what he had posted. Well, I am a little bit more shady in this respect. I have never told Bud about this blog.
Now, some of you may be appalled by my (in)actions here, but this blog wouldn’t be the same if I knew that he was reading it all the time. As I have said before, this blog was started as a way for me to organize my thoughts about different things and as a way for me to put into some concrete form the way I am feeling about things in my life and life in general. My decision to keep this an anonymous blog was because, knowing myself as I do, I thought I would probably engage in a lot of self-censorship. Its just the way I am – a little too focused sometimes (i.e. constantly) on what other people are thinking about me (See I am so self-centered that even when I am thinking about what other people’s thought are, they still involve me).
And part of this honesty is knowing that I am not going to have to explain myself to my love later at home. This is in many ways a diary and I want the freedom of that medium.
Would he be hurt if he found out? Maybe. Not by the content, but perhaps by its existence. But I guess my main fear of telling him now has to do with the fact that this has become a very important outlet for me. It has become a way that I can force myself to think about my own actions and have some wise commenters point out for me the basis behind some of those same actions. I don’t want to lose this blog because he is uncomfortable with it. I have seen a few of my favourite bloggers disappear due to conflicts between writing and the people in their lives (you know who you are), and I don’t want to have to deal with that.
And this is due to a realization about my relationship with Bud. We deal with “us” in different ways. Whereas I am constantly compromising things for his peace of mind or just for what he wants, any hesitancy or refusal to cave into those demands are often met by pouting or anger. (He is a bit like Monica from Friends when she said “Compromise is doing things my way”). And I don’t want to get into a fight over this.
But of course, this highlights a problem obviously that we have as a couple. And, what couple doesn’t have problems? Its not a major one, but it has been one that has arisen on a number of occasions. Its funny in many ways because when we first started dating, it was the opposite. Bud bent over backwards for me and would do anything for me – but now that has gone full circle to where even the slightest request for deviation from what he considers to be the proper path is met with resistance.
And I can say that this is not a major problem, because it hasn’t become one yet. But in all honesty, it could. We have discussed it a number of times, but, not surprisingly, nothing has changed. I guess its one of those situations where a number of small instances together or one large occurrence will bring on a cataclysmic result. And I don’t want this blog to be a part of that drama.
posted by Rye at 5:14 p.m.
4 Comments:
Very thoughtful post Rye. If Bud means that much to you, then I think you shouldn't keep anything from him. But I also understand the need for privacy. I don't really have an answer for you. In the meantime I'll just enjoy your posts!
I wouldn't say that's self-centered, just classic style of an introspective person.
I understand wanting a private place to catalog your thoughts without the pressure of self-editing, just as you could have a diary that you wouldn't necessarily have your spouse read doesn't mean you love Bud any less.
And, I bet, if you one day feel deep in your heart that you and bud are forever, you will show him this blog and I can recall things you've said in the past about him that were very kind, and I think he would know and appreciate that especially since you said it from the heart, and not just because he "might be watching".
I think it is fine to have a blog that he does not know about so long as it has been constructive for your relationship. It would be kind of like seeing a therapist without him knowing to work on yourself and your marriage. That would be okay, wouldn't it? He might be a bit insulted and hurt when he found out, but you did it for the right reasons and he certainly couldn't fault you for that.
Meant a lot to me that, Thanks for the thoughts.
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