Net Satisfaction

The online world has been an extraordinary resource for gay people. Whether it is allowing a young gay guy in a rural town the knowledge that there are others like him or if it is a virtual cruise zone, the internet has definite benefits. But there are the drawbacks as well. And I am trying to deal with one of them.

Bud was always big on having profiles on certain sites, but I have since asked him to drop them. he said he would, but I recently received an email from a friend in Europe who casually mentioned his profile. He didn't say that Bud was trying to cruise him or anything, he just mentioned a picture of Bud that he saw. Now I have read enough sites like Gay Banker to be naturally weary of the point of having a site when someone is in an (apparently) monogamous relationship. I have been screwed over before in this regard, and so I have grave misgiving about this situation.

When I discussed this with Bud before he always claimed that he had these profiles to keep in touch with people and to look at the photos (almost a perverse metamorphosis of the straight man’s claim that he only gets Playboy to read the articles). But the air of plausibility is thin and suffering from a lack of oxygen. Or maybe this is just either my own insecurity or my own projection of what I believe someone would be doing.

But what can I do about it. If I ask Bud, he will deny their existence or, if admitting to them, claim that they are harmless. But I guess they aren’t harmless to me. Whether or not he is doing anything, they bother me. And I guess the main point is that even though he knows that it bothers me, he is not willing to let them drop.

But there are always these points in relationships. Points where one person has to compromise for the other. And sometimes I am not willing to make that compromise for things. But these are typically the minor insignificant things that are not at the core. But this situation worries me as a sign of something more substantial that just a posting on a site. Is this a character moment? Am I self deluded about what’s going on? Maybe, but I think I don’t want to go down that road. I have spent many a year in the clutch of cynicism (and I am still not fully free) but I don’t want to deal with this relationship in that way. Perhaps I am a moron about it, but I am hoping for a pleasant surprise.

But that’s the strange thing about the web. In one way, it has given me this great outlet in this online diary. It has provided me with a way to get out my thoughts and feelings and also provided me with a means to provided an exposition to the path of not only my life my the progression of my thoughts. This blog gives me the impetus to think about things in my life and to be honest, it has given back to me in a more profound way than I originally thought when I started it.

And I love to shop online as it has given me great ideas. Since Bud is such a big fan of tall men, I got a couple of tickets in the mail on Friday for a pro basketball game just after Valentine's Day. Very excited to see his face when he gets those tickets, but even more thrilled to see his face when he is sitting on the floor during the game and sees the two 6 foot ten inch players. Its not the NBA, but the ABA is the best that Montreal has.

But the web has also given me the source of my most worrisome anxiety.

But you take the good, you take the bad…. Ah you know the rest of that tune.