Passion Play

Well, so begin my first full week of work of the new year. And big surprise, its an onslaught of mandates (and not in the more pleasant sense of that word) to accomplish.

On the brighter side, I received some photos of a friend of mine’s wedding in Sydney. He got married to a guy on a harbour cruise around the beaches of Sydney and I wish that I could have been there. The strange thing is that he has decided to change his last name. Apparently there was a coin flip involved. I asked Kase if he had won the coin toss whether he thought Matt would have changed his name. The answer, “Oh no.”

And so I couldn’t help wondering why he would then. And the answer comes down to the power politics that exist inside every relationship. And these power games, existing as they do in a myriad of different forms and degrees of pervasiveness, are one of the main reasons that I stayed single for so long and remains the largest challenge for me of being in a couple. The name thing is just the larger power game.



The changing of a name upon marriage is akin to a declaration of ownership. Here in Quebec, no one, whether they want to or not, is permitted to change their name when they get married. I shit you not. No woman can become Mrs. X. I have often asked why this occurred without much success in finding out the answer as it happened many years ago. However, one answer that came up was that no woman could therefore be made to feel pressured to change her name if she didn’t want to.

But there are these games of change and pressure all the time. One of the great things about being single is the ability to live a life free of compromise on a personal level. If you don’t like to wash your dishes more than once a week – don’t. If you feel the need to scrub the baseboards every three days – go ahead. If you think that having dinner after 6 is a recipe to a life of flab – eat early.

But once you live with someone else, there is a give and take aspect that has to be contracted between the two of you. And as with any negotiation, one party has more bargaining power than the other. Or one person gets sick of the negotiation and gives in. Or after living with unconscionable terms, one enters into open revolt.

Bud and I have our problems in this way more so because I feel, to paraphrase Rent, I give a mile and he won’t even give an inch. Of course, this probably isn’t completely true. I only notice that he has a problem compromising on the things that he doesn’t. Squeeky wheel and all that.

But it isn’t just that either…I’m lying. Its also that when we first started off he was willing to do anything for me. And that desire has faded as the passion waned. Now we still are madly in love with each other (at least I think we are) but the passion after 3+ years is obviously less than at the beginning. And he was trying to win me. Why train after the race is run?




But I need it still and the craving gets more and more intense. I am starting to feel like a housewife who wishes her husband was romantic and did some “woo-ing”. Pathetic. I don’t get the thrill of sexual conquest any longer where I go after someone. I don’t get the excitement of that first date gone well. I don’t get the ecstasy of an amazing first kiss. I don’t feel the intensity of that first moment. And I do not miss that as what I have is better.

But it is nevertheless, not the best.