Ghosts
I have been thinking a lot about my ex lately.
Not something that I particularly like to admit but nonetheless it is true. Now these are not thoughts of any nature of desire or regret, but more along the lines of “what if”. I have been thinking about what my life would be like if we were still together.
Now it has been almost exactly three years since we split and yet he still has a constant presence in my mind. There are many things that trigger it from the viewing of a certain show or seeing a particular person. But he does seem to find a way to invade my consciousness. And maybe it’s a bit of a closure issue. We never had the big fight to end the deal – I just sort of left without ever really explaining the true reasons behind it all. About a year ago I ran into him and tried to explain, but it didn’t go the way I wanted.
We were in love at one time. He was everything that I wanted and then suddenly he wasn’t anymore. I began to visualize the future without him. When he would mention things about events to come, I would think that we wouldn’t be doing them together. Let’s just say that I checked out long before my body did.
And yet why can’t I seem to be rid of him completely? For one thing, this is his city in many ways. The only reason that I decided to actually stay in Montreal was for him. When I came to school here I had no intentions of staying. And once we got together, he made it clear that he had no intentions of leaving. And so I decided to stay.
And many areas of the city and many things that I have done here were instigated by him. My Montreal identity was shaped through and by my association with the ex. And I wonder why I can’t seem to escape. Every essence of this city permeates with his memory. No matter where I go, I had at one time gone there with him.
But there is no escape … at least for the short term. I’ve got to stay here for at least a few years. Need to build up a reputation and some experience before I can market myself out of this arena. But what kind of living is it when I spend my life wanting to flee?
Not something that I particularly like to admit but nonetheless it is true. Now these are not thoughts of any nature of desire or regret, but more along the lines of “what if”. I have been thinking about what my life would be like if we were still together.
Now it has been almost exactly three years since we split and yet he still has a constant presence in my mind. There are many things that trigger it from the viewing of a certain show or seeing a particular person. But he does seem to find a way to invade my consciousness. And maybe it’s a bit of a closure issue. We never had the big fight to end the deal – I just sort of left without ever really explaining the true reasons behind it all. About a year ago I ran into him and tried to explain, but it didn’t go the way I wanted.
We were in love at one time. He was everything that I wanted and then suddenly he wasn’t anymore. I began to visualize the future without him. When he would mention things about events to come, I would think that we wouldn’t be doing them together. Let’s just say that I checked out long before my body did.
And yet why can’t I seem to be rid of him completely? For one thing, this is his city in many ways. The only reason that I decided to actually stay in Montreal was for him. When I came to school here I had no intentions of staying. And once we got together, he made it clear that he had no intentions of leaving. And so I decided to stay.
And many areas of the city and many things that I have done here were instigated by him. My Montreal identity was shaped through and by my association with the ex. And I wonder why I can’t seem to escape. Every essence of this city permeates with his memory. No matter where I go, I had at one time gone there with him.
But there is no escape … at least for the short term. I’ve got to stay here for at least a few years. Need to build up a reputation and some experience before I can market myself out of this arena. But what kind of living is it when I spend my life wanting to flee?
posted by Rye at 6:17 p.m.
1 Comments:
Great post thankks
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